The plot against Adel al-Jubeir

by Sam Kriss

Given that the official narrative of the alleged Iranian plot to assassinate the Saudi ambassador to the United States is rapidly taking on the dimensions of a Hollywood potboiler thriller, it only makes sense that the real story would fall into a similar paradigm. As numerous experts have pointed out, it’s highly unlikely that the Iranian government, whose rhetorical ferocity is balanced by an extreme cautiousness in carrying out its foreign policy, would have made so audacious a move; and less likely still that the notoriously disciplined Iranian intelligence agencies would have entrusted such an important operation to an ex-pat opponent of the regime and a Mexican drug cartel riddled with informants. What actually happened, and where will it lead us? These are some possibilities:

– George Clooney and Jennifer Garner are two local FBI agents assigned to investigate supposed contact between Iranian intelligence and Mexican drug cartels. They begin to suspect foul play is at hand, and when it is discovered that the contact is in fact being arranged by US intelligence agencies, they find themselves on the run from the CIA. After a grisly torture scene, it is revealed that the conspiracy to kill the Saudi ambassador is being managed by a cabal of senators, generals and corporate lobbyists desperate to provoke war with Iran. Eventually, having exposed the corrupt generals and overcome both their shadowy assailants and the intensifying air of sexual tension, the two agents walk hand in hand along a pristine beach as triumphant music signals the indefinite continuation of the status quo.

– Jason Statham is a former assassin and Iranian expatriate with a moustache and an unconvincing accent. He is forced to carry out a hit on the Saudi ambassador when nefarious Quds Force agents implant a microchip in his wife’s brain that will, like, explode in twenty-four hours, or something. Once in Washington he decides to turn against his blackmailers and ends up having to fight literally everyone, including VEVAK, the CIA, MI6, the GIB, the Mexicans, random people on the street, his emotional detachment from his estranged daughter, a pervasive sense of existential ennui, etc. Includes a scene where Statham backflips over an exploding oil tanker while firing twin machine guns. Shot entirely in shades of orange and teal.

– Danny Trejo is a conflicted member of the Zetas drug gang. When he is commissioned by Iranian intelligence to assassinate the Saudi ambassador to the United States he thinks he’ll be able to tell the US government what he knows and seek political asylum. However, it becomes apparent that the government is aware of the plot and anxious for it to go ahead. After bedding a series of sympathetic DEA agents and consulting a wizened yet serene curandero, Trejo learns that all world powers are controlled by a heretical Zoroastrian sect calling themselves the Sons of Angra Mainyu, who believe that by sowing war and terror they are providing a necessary antithesis to the natural goodness of humanity. Culminates with 20,000 Mexicans in pick-up trucks invading Tehran.

– In a comedy of errors, bungling Iranian second-hand car salesman Adam Sandler tries to enlist the help of Mexican gangs in assassinating the Saudi ambassador. Features an excruciating scene in which Sandler, dressed in low-cut jeans and a bandana, attempts to rap in Farsi under the stage name El Taco de Teherán.

– The ambassador of Saudi Arabia to the United States, depressed and guilt-ridden following a long period of alcoholism and a string of sexual infidelities, orders his own assassination under a series of false identities in the hope of taking the whole world out with him.

– What if the Iranians were actually being set up by the Russians? And what if the Russians have been infiltrated by a cabal of reptilian aliens trying to provoke global war to ensure there’s no resistance when they invade Earth? And what if reality is a prison and we’re all already dead?

– A frustrated mid-level US intelligence worker infuriated by the monotony of his job decides to inject some excitement into his life by fabricating an absurd conspiracy involving Iranian intelligence, Mexican drug cartels and the Saudi ambassador. To his alarm, this prank turns into a major diplomatic incident, and everyone he loves dies in the hellish blaze of a nuclear attack.

Of course, nobody would ever suggest the possibility of any Israeli involvement. That’s just absurd.