The wit & wisdom of Mitt Romney

by Sam Kriss

I support Mitt Romney for President, I really do. Obama’s been an unmitigated disaster; all the excesses of the Bush era with none of the entertainment value. If the President must be a painted whore for moneyed elites, he should at least be one that’s easy to hate. That said, it’s hard to shake off the feeling that, when it comes down to it, Romney is basically just another boring liberal who’s not going to attack Iran (let alone China) or ban women from wearing trousers or forcibly baptise Muslim immigrants in the Potomac – or, in short, do anything interesting. If that weren’t enough, the guy is just plain embarrassing, a one-man all-singing all-dancing globe-trotting gaffe machine. It’s as if he were possessed by the demon of maladroitness that formed, gibbering and cackling, out of the air of sexual tension that wafted through Joe Biden and Sarah Palin’s 2008 vice-presidential debate. It is my sad duty to add to the litany of indiscretions that dog Romney’s name. In publishing these genuine quotes, recorded in secret during his campaign, I know I may well be permanently scuppering his chances at the White House. I hope he can recover, but as ever my first duty is to the truth.

State-run healthcare will only ever sap the vigour and lust for life of the American people, leaving them feeble and emaciated, desiccated wretches capable only of grasping pitifully for the engorged teat of Momma Government, and dying gratefully when their life is deemed to no longer be of any utility. That’s why I did what I did.
– Mitt Romney, on his decision to institute a single-payer healthcare system while governor of Massachusetts

The lamentations of the weak will be a pleasing sound unto God.
– Mitt Romney, on his promise to repeal Obamacare

You want our children properly educated? You would show our young daughters photographs of an old man’s grotesquely distended scrotum? No, no. A new wife’s disappointment is a sacred thing.
– Mitt Romney, on abstinence-only sex education

You do get the feeling that they’re not really putting the effort in. Instead of whining about racism, why don’t they just turn white? It can’t be that hard. Obama managed it, for Christ’s sake.
– Mitt Romney, on African-Americans

Swamp Germans. Utterly degenerate.
– Mitt Romney, on the Dutch

The bastard sons of Turkish dogs and Slavic whores.
– Mitt Romney, on the Albanians

What? Where? No, I don’t see anyone. You must be mistaken.
– Mitt Romney, on the Palestinians

Oh, don’t be ridiculous. There’s no such thing. A story for children.
– Mitt Romney, on the Welsh

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough talk… Have at you!
– Mitt Romney, on warrantless wiretapping

He’s a great kid. Nice ass, too.
– Mitt Romney, on his running mate Paul Ryan

We are the guardians and keepers of all suffering.
– Mitt Romney, on the LDS Church’s policy of posthumously baptising Holocaust victims

We are the guardians and keepers of all suffering.
– Mitt Romney, on the LDS Church’s practice of polygamy

We are the guardians and keepers of all suffering.
– Mitt Romney, on the LDS Church’s tendency to build enormous tacky temples in major cities

Feast! Feast, my brethren, feast! This world is given unto you!
– Mitt Romney, on the deregulation of the financial services sector

Like cattle, really. Not as tasty, though.
– Mitt Romney, on the human race